before you make fun of a person doing something brave and vulnerable like dancing or singing or reading poetry in front of a lot of people:
Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.
See, my whole life I measured my worth by my GPA and the number of teachers that had told me “good job”. Added on the number of hearts I broke divided by the number of those who broke mine. I took my height and weight in jumbled thoughts and totaled it all to a number so low I didn’t know it existed. My worth screamed you are nothing, and so I was. I talked less and I saw more and I became so full of anger that the few words that did escape my mouth were coated with bitterness that tasted vial in my mouth. I was nothing. I shrank. Because I knew I the negative space around me was more valuable than the space I actually occupied. Tell me who taught women to measure their self by the negative space around them? Who taught me the more I shrink the lovelier I will be? Don’t you know I just wanted to be beautiful? And things slipped. My grade, my performance, and I found myself at a rock bottom I never knew existed. The rocks were so sharp the pierced my sides. And I was nothing and if there was a word created that meant less than nothing I was that because I didn’t even know I deserved the right to feel.
But now I am something. And I know I am much more than my GPA or the number of “good jobs” I hear for some shitty piece of work I turned into my English professor because we don’t write about real things. I no longer focus on those who fall in love with me, because I’m in love with myself, and you can’t break a heart that’s not fully whole, but I’m okay with that, because my broken heart sings and beats and reminds me that I am a warrior. No one will stop me. My height and weight are no longer a matter of my worth for when I look in the mirror I no longer see numbers, but I see bright eyes and a big smile and someone who will change the world. I am no longer scared. I speak when I want and the words are no longer bitter. And I no longer feel guilty for feeling because I deserve to be angry and I deserve to be sad but most of all I deserve to be happy. And I am. And now I know that my worth could never be captured in a number, because I am priceless. And let me repeat, no one will stop me. Because now I am something.